Theft by Deception

Is there a name for the act of subconsciously inputting words into google? Google is my homepage and sometimes when it opens I go right to the search bar and type in something random. I don’t even know if I’m awake for it honestly. I just type and when I’m done my head kind of snaps back to see a little word. Most recently I typed in the word “diamond” which was confusing as I don’t much care for those unless they are stuffed in those diamond dolls from The Chipmunks Great Adventure. There must be some type of explanation, tho. I’ll hit enter and search these words from now on because maybe this could be my gift. I’m not great at much else so I suppose it makes sense that I would have a hidden power. I’ll start by googling the word ~Diamond~ to prove my theory and see if I can be of service to the police or anybody with money along the way. Although, knowing my luck I’ll probably just discover that a new Dustin ~Diamond~ sex tape has been leaked.  Urgh, THAT would be my gift— knowing the second an old stars new porn is released. Meh, could be worse.  

All these question posts are hitting my eyes and I don’t really get it— are people really wanting to read about peoples favorite colours, lucky numbers etc? If you’re wanting the good people of tumblr to get to know you, then you should provide them with details relevant to their interests. With this, I’ve written up a new question post from scratch. Feel free to punch in your own information and share. 

1. Name: Alex J. Brown
2. Street name: Joe Mayo
3. Age: 28
4. Single and ready to mingle: Yes. I have never been more single in my life. Like not even a piece on the side.   
5. The perfect brunch: This revolting cream cheese stuffed french toast thing in Toronto that’s amazing for the first half and makes me feel like I’m dying through the rest. I’ve taken a cab home each time I’ve eaten it. Those first few bites really are perfection tho.  Also, Endless Mimosas
6. The last thing you masturbated to: This almost sex that I had with a student nurse this winter
7. I would rather sleep American Pies “the Sherminator” than: Drive a car
8. Dream Vacation: A road trip where Dean drives me from Moscow to Rome while I take ativans and sleep in the back seat. 
9. Something from your bucket list: Reciting the theme song from Duck Tales at a poetry slam. Here.. in..Duckburg..
10. Favorite Britney Spears track: Born to Make You Happy
11. A lil secret: I pull my blankets up to my ankles when I’m in bed and pretend I’m wearing a dress.

Yellow Lights (pre-flirts) are tough. For those unfamiliar, these are the signals you flash to another party to let them know they can ~proceed with caution~. These are not the Stop (them) Drop (a borderline insult) and Roll (their friends out of the picture) moves that you’d use in bars. Yellow Lights are meant to be subtle and quick but are by no means straight forward. I’d know— I’ve tried a couple of different approaches, all with low level results. Today though, I just may have found a winner to share with y’all. But like any good lesson, we’ll to have to start  with a little bit of history:

It all started with The Elevator. This move involves casting an obvious look at the persons shoes, moving up to make brief eye contact, and then moving back down to their shoes. People hate this one the most— Something about not being not being meat or something. It’s the least inviting so you’ll catch no bee’s with this, honey. 

Later I tried something called The Umphhhhpire. Here, you get right up close to somebody and umpgghhhhhhhh at them and jerk your head back. Bears seem to like this (play ball!), while everybody else found it a bit aggressive (Strike!) Also doing that noise makes your nostrils do something real rabiesish, tbh.   

Up until most recently I was just chucking The Boywinkle, which is an aggressive wink and half smile. The wink is a little too Mizunderstood tho. It started out as a “gotcha” look, but is now seen by strangers as more of a”gotcha credit card” kinda thing. As expected, my polling results show that people don’t trust winkers. They’re a lil too fast and loose, if you will.

So here it is, a Yellow Light so simple I can’t believe I haven’t used it until today: The lil Rascal. It’s easy too. Wait until your contact is glancing at your face and then flutter your brows thrice and look away. Up.Up.Up. If they’re looking in your general direction but not at your face, do it anyways so he catches your brow from the corner of his eye. I’m sure this is funny (although it remains untested).  The most successful piece here is  that fluttering your brows isn’t overly sexual, It’s not too aggressive and doesn’t make people feel violated, judged or creeped out. It’s just cute and sure to get you noticed.

addnamehere asked: Hi. Not to sound like a creep but I wrote a song (sometime last year) on your basement-living situation. Having writer's blocks, sometimes writers have to turn to the oddest things for inspiration, and well, I stumbled upon your tumblr during a writer's block rut. And I gotta say, it's not a bad song. Wanna hear it?

YES. I’m obsessed with that. Please share 

I have a job interview at 8am tomorrow and I’m super stressed out about it. Not only is it scheduled at an ungodly hour (8am!), but it is also an impromptu second interview. I did real well on the first interview - I had them in stitches- and naturally just thought they would hand the job over to me. Now I find out they are just as interested in another guy and need to talk to us each one more time. That is too much pressure. I’m just going to go in there and Burger the panel with a post-it note that reads: I’m sorry, I can’t. This situation is more difficult for me because If I got the job, every time I messed up they’d  flash a ‘Shoulda picked the other guy’ look. That stings, and I’d know because it has been given to me post love triangle before. Once you fight somebody off for a partner you lose all of your hand. You’ll get ‘Shoulda picked the other guy’ looks each and every time you disappoint, until eventually the pressure swallows you up/spits you out (pressures choice).

The only thing I can do in this situation is go in tomorrow and let them fight for me a bit— be real casual like. George Costanza would suggest I eat an apple during the interview, and that’s probably good advice. I’m going to sit down, eat an apple and wait for them to mention my competitor, at which point I will burger them with my post-it and leave them to never know the satisfaction of giving that look.